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jessnica18
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Name: Jessica
Location: Olathe, Kansas, United States
Birthday: 9/25/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Dancing, partying, running, working out, boys, designing, dressing up, hanging out w/ friends, movie nites, drunken pizza parties, chai tea chats
Expertise: designing, drunken spiritual debates, dancing
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  jessnica18
Member Since:
5/20/2005
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| Sometimes I suprise myself..I endured/encouraged? a huge mistake this week. Although I could allow myself to see the situation from a victim's eyes, it is easier to think that I am strong and simply made a bad decision..why do I feel the need to rectify any emotional trauma by personal reprimanding? And how exactly does one "rectify" emotional pain? I feel so angry..at me..at others..at me. I want to punish away harmful actions like scrubbing permanent marker off your skin. I think I am self-destructive, or have been for so long that it takes large events in life for me to open my eyes and welcome the cold, hard truth. Shame. U ever feel the desire/obligation to save the world and yet powerless to help yourself? I look at my life and see so many areas that have festered from fear of failure. I am overweight and have not taken the steps I know will change this state. I allow myself to be used by men subconsciously..or so I say? I think I do know and simply chose to stiffle any awareness I possess when I think the guy is "worth it." Worth what? I have had a dangerous attachment to a man who I give so much to and recieve nothing. I trade my time, money, body, emotions in exchange for a few kind words. He tells me I'm pretty and will even text me at nite to say, "good nite bright eyes" or "smile gorgeous"..and I NEED him to tell me these things..holy shit I'm pathetic..my heart is diseased and this sickness is spreading to every area of my life. I have a leprosy that I slowly watch consume my life and I feel so weak, powerless to overcome or even confront..I wish to be the WOMAN who came to college having accomplished so much and possessing such ambition and hope..I look in the mirror at the GIRL trembling from one too many of life's curve balls..I'm done with it all. God help me. | | |
| I just got back from Spring Break - a week of relaxation in Branson, MO..the elderly Mecca of the world! Myself and 3 friends were the only ones under age 65 and I luved it! We had 37 year old men buying us shots and drinks, Sean Haygood dancing for us, invented a new drinking game, met Fernando the gay duck from Alabama..what a week :) And now its back to being responsible; working double the next 3 weeks to pay for my trip, loan apps, fixing my car, catching up in classes, blah blah blah...I feel like a failure and am desperate to gain stability at the moment! I bombed a phone interview about my internship and dont know how i feel about the others..Greg is still a plague to my thoughts (will I ever be over him?)..I am struggling in 2 classes..I cant make enough money to pay my bills..HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL MYSELF AN ADULT IF I CANNOT TAKE CARE OF MYSELF? blahblahblahblah..I'm in need of an emotional miracle rite now. Life's gotta look up soon enough..its just got to. | | |
| My life is re-freaking-diculous! I have just finished a crazy break that included a three way hookup as well as a new life epiphany...through all my new "boy resolutions" I still managed to hook up with my hot sig ep again last nite after work..but I was totally appropriate so I feel justified and almost proud of myself. I still have my jobs @ kites and daras (after some serious kissing up) so I feel stable once again. I dunno why, but my world is so uncertain without a dependable income - like I have a serious face hard time trusting God to supply my needs if I'm not maxing out my own resources...is that faith? Oh dear, I miss my girl Brittany already, not to mention my doll face Sarah...u kids help me through so much. Thanx!
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| wow..its been years since I've written..and right now I'm doing this during class! Oh well..so a brief update: I'm switching my major from Interior Design to Broadcast Journalism and Mass Communication (maybe I can be a news anchor!!), I've decided to to stop dating jerks for a while - I've been seeing this gorgeous rockstar (tall, dark, built, blue hair, eyebrow ring = swoon!) but he is too much of a slut for me..we just dont share the same values, neways I'm kinda talking to a guy named Zac Diles who seems really sweet and he's hot so thats a plus :) Moral of the story = unless the guy is superman, he's not worth my time. I've been working both @ Daras and Kites and luv them both, although I make double @ Kites as a cocktail waitress. I walked into Kites on my first nite wearing a cute lil T and found out that to make any money, u gotta wear lil tank tops and show a lil skin..gross I know, but its a good job? Last nite I went w/ C Todd and Stef Davis over to Jeff and Tyler's and had the best sex talk ever..it lasted till freaking 2 in the morning, but it was well worth it..The main questions were, "Do u masturbate? How many people have u been w/? Is oral sex, sex?" and many other philisoohical life questions :) I luv my friends, but really miss my Britt and Sarah N. so much..I luv u girls!!! | | |
| So boy luck hasnt gotten any better, but life is going so strong I'm not even fazed. I turned in an embarrassing project Tuesday...UGH! I just dont get it! I'm gonna spend as much time as possible working on studio this week..then again I have little time since my next one is due this Tuesday, along w/ two really hard tests that afternoon and another test the day after..this weekend I'm working Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nites preceeding these deadlines, Date party friday, home to visit fam and Travis (good friend) and Sarah Newman - the doll- on Saturday..hopefully :( I mite have to skip out another weekend and that would kill me! I think I just dumped my date party date, Devin. He just lacks integrity to a huge degree and that is my ultimate pet-peeve!!! We were supposed to hang out last nite, like we talked @ midnite when i got off work and he was gonna call me half an hour later - so I went home and was doing hmwk till like 1:30 when i texted him to see what was up and never heard from him. I am pissed so I call to see what happend and he was so unfazed...he just hung out w/ his friends and went to bed. I dont care that he couldnt hang out. Its when people make plans and always cancel or dont even bother to call that infuriates me. Integrity is such an attractive quality and the lack is a HUGE turnoff, even in just friendships. So now I'm out a date 2 days before our date party....I need some wisdom...hardcore...P.S. I JUST GOT A JOB @ KITES! I almost wet myself when I heard the news today :) Come play w/ me next friday nite anyone? | | |
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